The Return Of "Future Endeavors: The Wrestling Column"
By: Shawn Walters ("The Angry Hero")
Hey gang -- I'm taking a break from the usual column to give you all a nice WrestleMania retrospective. The "Showcase of the Immortals" is this Sunday on Pay-Per-View, and it is one of most highly anticipated events in recent years. Technically, this is the 25th anniversary of the event even though it is labeled #26. Well, you can't win all of the time, as I will point in this week's column... TOP 5 "WTF" MOMENTS IN WRESTLEMANIA HISTORY
(1.) "Santina" Marella (WrestleMania XXV)
There's something that the British find insanely funny about taking a man and putting him in a dress. Apparently, that sense of humor was shared amongst the WWE Creative staff when it came time to include the Divas in WrestleMania XXV. Concluding that his oddball relationship Beth Phoenix wasn't emasculating enough, Santino Marella put on a skirt, did his best Buffalo Bill impression, tucked it back and actually won the Miss WrestleMania Diva Battle Royal at WrestleMania XXV. That’s right -- the matchmakers, who sat down & carefully combed through the annals of available female grapplers that have graced the WWE over the years, were lenient enough to put in a complete novice wrestler in a match on the grandest stage of them all. Credentials? None. A name that is one letter different than an already existing WWE wrestler? Sure, come right in.
So, "Santina" Marella wins the crown, and hilarity ensues for next two months. All the Divas with legit estrogen & silicon hate "her." The Great Khali wants to copulate with "her." It finally takes Donald Trump of all people to be like "You're a dude, get the f*ck out!"
2. Bam Bam Bigelow vs. One Man Gang (WrestleMania IV)
Not many people recall this because it was simply a footnote in the tedious, 10-week WWF World Title Tournament held at WrestleMania IV. In a first-round match, Bam Bam Bigelow & One Man Gang collided like two bears fighting over a loose salmon. Towards the end of the match, OMG's manager Slick pulls down the top rope, causing Bam Bam to take a spill to the floor. The referee starts to count him out, well, more accurately, screams him out. It was as if a jet airliner was passing through The Trump Plaza, and the ref feared Bigelow would not heed his warning.
As the referee tries to implode Bam Bam's head with the decibels of his voice, Bigelow fights his way onto the ring apron. I mean he's practically in the ring. The flames from his head tattoo are flickering, igniting the ring ropes, and the ref is still counting him out!!! In pretty much any other wrestling match, once the guy gets to the apron, the referee usually stops the count. Unfortunately for Bam Bam, this guy went to the Danny Davis School of Subpar Officiating. Bam Bam was counted out of the match & the tournament. I was a HUGE Bam Bam fan as a kid, and this crushed me. WTF!?!?
(3.) Return Of The "Superfly" (WrestleMania V)
I used to love it back in the day when the then-WWF has so many wrestlers that they did know what to do with them. At WrestleMania, everyone worked! If you didn't have a random match on the card, then you might as well go wrestle in Puerto Rico and hope you don't get stabbed in the shower. Hell, if you're "Superfly" Jimmy Snuka, you just need to be there and do nothing to get a payday!
Fresh off a stint in the AWA where a Polish man masquerading as a South African accused him of being African-American (even though he's a Pacific Islander), Snuka was triumphantly introduced to the WrestleMania V crowd as a returning hero (and future jobber to the stars). Only his segment came after the next match was already in the ring. "Rugged" Ronnie Garvin & Dino Bravo were all geared to lock horns in some tepid mid-card action, only to have their competitive fires doused by Snuka, who did nothing but come out & wave to the fans.
Completely random & still to this day, I have no idea why it was necessary to arrange the segment that way. Why not turn it into an angle where Dino attacks Garvin during Snuka's return that in turn, leads to Garvin losing the match. Garvin turns heel and has a tailor-made feud set to go with Snuka. Because that's what was missing in late-80's WWF: a methed-out Jimmy Snuka taking on a blond Lance Storm.
(4.) Hardcore Holly Calls Michael Cole A "Sh*thead" (WrestleMania XVI)
This technically was on the post-show of WrestleMania XVI, but it still counts in my book. Let me preface this too by saying the year 2000 in the WWF was by all accounts my favorite year in professional wrestling. Everything was so crisp, fun, & logical that it was impossible to not be impressed. That being said, WrestleMania XVI was a tremendous smorgasbord of melodrama & world-class wrestling action, both good & bad. I mean, seriously: Steve Blackman/Al Snow against Test/Albert was considered good enough to be on the grandest stage of them all. That's how on point the E was at this time.
Anyways, I digress. After the event, Michael Cole is interviewing Hardcore Holly about his WWE Hardcore Championship win. Hardcore, known for generally being a cantankerous bastard, ends the interview by randomly calling Cole a "sh*thead." It wasn't bleeped, which is fine in comparison to a few months prior where The Kat showed off her rack live on Pay-Per-View at Armageddon. I doubt it was planned either, given the awkward pause that Holly & Cole shared immediately after the profane utterance. Maybe Cole messed up Holly's rental car or tried to make into the business via a reality show.
(5.) Pete Rose Gets Tombstoned (WrestleMania XIV)
Speaking of "unplanned," without a doubt my favorite "WTF" WrestleMania Moment was to be the destruction of Pete Rose. I am not a baseball fan, and I could care less about what Pete Rose did to get banned from the Baseball Hall of Fame. He may be a disgraced athlete in the eyes of many, but as a sports-entertainer, he is a damn trooper. It was totally unexpected in a way that you're watching WrestleMania with your friends and one of you says "Watch, Kane is gonna tombstone Pete Rose," and then he f*cking does!!! How cool is that? It's like the time when I was watching the Super Bowl, and Janet Jackson is out there dancing & singing, and then Justin Timberlake comes out, and I'm like "I bet Janet Jackson's boob comes out of her top," and then it f*cking did!!! That last part was a true story.
Well, there ya go: Some thoughts for you all to chew on. We'll return back to the normal "Future Endeavored" fair next week. Until then, check out www.FutureEndeavored.tumblr.com, and enjoy the WrestleMania Pay-Per-View this weekend! And of course: Above all things -- be a man! |
|
|
Monday Night Mayhem World Wide 365
|
©2010
Monday Night Mayhem
Designed
by: Elegant Web Templates &
Maintained By Tim
Stein
The names of all WWE, TNA, & ROH programming, talent, images, likenesses, and logos are the exclusive property of
WWE. © 2010 World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc., TNA. © 2010 TNA Entertainment LLC, Inc., &
ROH. © 2010 Ring Of Honor, Inc., All Rights Reserved.
|
|
