· With all the promotion for the "first five minutes of iMPACT" being the rage over the Interwebs, they sure let us down. I, for certain, was expecting the first five minutes to be Dixie Carter signing over TNA to Vince McMahon, while Linda McMahon violated Hulk Hogan with a strap-on. Given the ratings TNA pulled in, that scenario wasn't too far off.

· Hogan moves with the grace of Ozzy Osbourne on Quaaludes & Nyquil. Sting turns on the heroes. Heel beatdown as the referee hands Abyss a blade right on camera ON THE REPLAY! What the hell is going on in the TNA production truck that they allowed that to air? Meth party? It being in Florida, the answer is "yes."

· Why is there a dude in front row with a sign that simply says "Lacey Von Erich?" Does she forget her name or something? That reminds me of the time when I went to see TNA at the old Asylum, and the guy in front of me had a sign that said "Kid Kash & Dallas -- Tag Team Champs." Well, no sh*t!

· Sting vs. Rob Van Dam went nine seconds, as RVD pinned Sting with a diving kick from the top & a Rolling Thunder. Then Sting immediately got up & beat the tar out of RVD for five hours. This would be the equivalent of a premature ejaculation & then sleeping the rest of the night.

· Kevin Nash & Eric Young jawing with Scott Hall & Sean Waltman was markedly insignificant, aside from the fact that this segment may have been the first time in Monday Night Wars history that both companies simultaneously had wrestlers on TV who have had sexual intercourse with Joanie Lauer. It was like Rick Rude all over again.

· Bubba the Love Sponge tried to tell Hogan to not go out there & wrestle, lest he may die. I'd make fun of that but in all honesty, that could have happened. The real star of this segment: Bubba's thinning radio douche hair.

· Does Mick Foley actually enjoy what he's doing in TNA? He just looks so unhappy in his role of, I don't know, "chunky vagrant." Let's go with that.

· Brooke Hogan apparently is the biggest idiot ever, because she really believes that wrestling is real, and her dad has an obligation to go out there & risk his life in a match against another senior citizen & a cruiserweight. If it were Vader & Bruiser Brody out there facing Hogan & Abyss, then yeah, I'd be scared. "The Nature Boy" Ric Flair & "The Phenomenal" AJ Styles? Nope, don't buy it. Brooke is dumb...and so is TNA.

· Scott Hall debuted his new YouTube channel this past week, featuring his "whenever he feels like doing it" show, Last Call With Scott Hall. The once-relevant WWE & WCW star has been drawing some Hollywood attention as producers have pegged as a possible lead in an upcoming Nick Nolte biopic.

· Speaking of barely relevant, former WWE Diva hopeful Lauren Jones has been hawking her ring gear via eBay. One such item is a pair of wrestling tights with a very rare DNA signature from Batista.

· In a recent press release, Mick Foley’s new book Countdown to Lockdown has been described as "raw, energetic, & adrenaline-fueled" or simply "the complete opposite of Lance Storm."

· Gail Gagne, granddaughter of WWE Hall of Famer Verne Gagne & daughter of Greg Gagne, will be back in court come July to face charges of alleged sexual misconduct against a 16-year-old boy. Gagne served as the weight room advisor at the victim's high school, where she specialized in demonstrating the "jerk" component of the "clean & jerk" exercise.

· TNA has partnered up with Namco Networks on creating new mobile gaming content for the company. Namco, known for creating Pac-Man, will be working on a new game, where Vince Russo's head travels through a maze eating dollars signs & chasing away any hint of credibility.

· Stephanie McMahon & Triple H received great news this week, as the couple learned they are expecting their third child. The sex of the child will be revealed later this year inside of the Money In The Bank briefcase.

· When asked in a recent interview about a return to wrestling, former WCW Champion Bill Goldberg scoffed the idea of "running around in my underwear trying to injure people" when he's older. "Leave that to Andy Dick," he added.

· In a strange summit of sorts, Bret Hart made acquaintances with Cheech & Chong during the pair's recent stint as guest hosts of WWE Monday Night RAW. Bret then remembered the stoner comedy duo as writers during his WCW run.

· Per Eric Bischoff, Bret Hart currently has a Lloyd’s of London insurance policy that may limit his physical participation in his WrestleMania XXVI match with Vince McMahon. To ensure that he never touches Bret, Vince has been analyzing Larry Zybysko matches for the past week.

· Rob Van Dam commented on his refusal to participate in the WWE Iraq excursions, stating, "I knew there was no way I was going to go. I would have fought Vince physically over it." RVD later revealed his strategy of putting Mad Dog weed in Vince’s protein shake & then giving him a Van Terminator.

· Hulk Hogan’s latest book, My Life Outside The Ring, has found its way into most bargain bins at Barnes & Noble stores. On the plus side, the book's reduced price has made it a popular read amongst the science fiction crowd.