(1.) Shawn Michaels is starting to amass some Carlos Colon-quality scar tissue on his forehead. Now that I think of it, so is Triple H. If they harvested said tissue, I bet they could grow another wrestler, an uber-wrestling that will never job & marry into power. I was thinking about calling him Jesus, but as we all know, Jesus was the victim of "the ultimate screwjob," after Judas turned heel on him and fed him to the Romans.

(2.) Cheech & Chong as RAW guest hosts to promote, er, whatever it is that they do. I guess its comedy. I've never seen why they're funny. But apparently, and I didn't know this, but if you're diabetic and you eat sugary cereal, you will hallucinate & see leprechauns and randomly fondle English dudes. I'm willing to bet this medical research as confirmed by Dr. Zahorian & Dr. Sidney M. Basil.

(3.) The John Cena/Batista segment was tremendous. If I weren't poor, I'd consider buying WrestleMania XXVI for this match alone. The match is gonna blow too, but the drama...oh the drama! Batista has been bringing it not only as a heel, but also as a potential man-crush to "wrestling duders" across the globe. He looks tremendous, bad-ass, & awesome. Yeah...that sounds gay. Who cares? We're wrestling fans -- We're ALL gay!

(4.) Let's be thankful the Divas segment was what it was. Gail Kim apparently got hurt and had to be helped to the back. How shocking! Between Kelly Kelly nearly decapitating Jillian with her leg drop to Eve giving Alicia Fox was appeared to be a senton hysterectomy, it's no wonder someone got hurt. At least the pillows looked safe. If any of the Divas had watched Sean Penn in "Bad Boys" before going out to the ring, Jerry "The King" Lawler would be shrieking for all the wrong reasons.

(5.) Was I the only one who thought that Jack Swagger's match was really going to be a qualifying bout to see who is the first entrant to the Dark Match Battle Royal at WrestleMania? The guy hasn't been relevant for months...and suddenly he's a contender. I guess Kevin Dunn does have a thing for the collegiate grapplers. Not that he has a chance to win the briefcase. If he does (or anyone else for that matter), I predict a Pedigree in their future, as Triple H will steal the briefcase, the title shot, & any potential credibility a new challenger might have.

· Jesse "The Body" Ventura will be on an upcoming episode of ABC's The View to talk about his fourth book & latest homeless dude manifesto, American Conspiracies: Lies, Lies, and More Dirty Lies that the Government Tells Us. The former Governor of Minnesota's first order of business on the program will be to debunk the rumor that Elizabeth Hasselbeck has a brain.

· Trish Stratus has been named the new celebrity face for Sports Interaction, a popular online betting site. Because say it with me folks: hot women equal lonely men imprisoned by their computers.

· Hulk Hogan offered advice to former baseball star Mark McGwire for his upcoming steroid trial testimony, advising McGwire to not "cling to half truths." Hogan later recalled the story of bodyslamming a 1000 lb. André the Giant at WrestleMania III so hard that the planet's axis was altered, thus necessitating the creation of daylight savings time.

· The WWE Creative Team has considered rekindling The Miz/Maryse love interest storyline, due to The Miz having control over the United States & one-half of the Unified World Tag Titles. The Miz's partner, The Big Show, will find love as well in the form of a Baconator sandwich from Wendy's.

· WWE's forthcoming May Pay-Per-View will now be known as "Over the Limit" (at least for this week). The event will feature no matches, only a live audit of Linda McMahon's Senate campaign expenditures.

· In Australia, a new beer called RAW has hit the shelves. Not to be outdone, TNA has made plans to release their own iMPACT brew in hopes that fans will get drunk enough to understand the logic behind TNA storylines.

· NXT rookie David Otunga has expressed his desire to wed his celebrity fiancée, Oscar-winning actress Jennifer Hudson, in the middle of a wrestling ring. Taking the wrestling theme a step further, Otunga is contemplating having Reverend D-Von conduct the service, The Maestro as the organist, & Chris Kanyon as a bridesmaid.

· TNA has reached an agreement with Mach 1 Wrestling out of California to serve as a training school. The company intends to send Lacey Von Erich to work on her in-ring skills, as well as a dictionary for Vince Russo to look up what the word "wrestling" means.

· Jerry Lawler will be flexing his artistic talents as the cover artist for director Kevin Smith's comic book adaptation of The Green Hornet. Apparently, Lawler is a fan of Smith's films, particularly Randall Graves from Clerks & Ben Affleck's character from Mallrats.

· In other movie-related news, Eric Bischoff stated this past week on his Facebook that Hulk Hogan was originally offered the role of "Randy The Ram" in the film The Wrestler. Hogan was passed over in favor of Mickey Rourke, mainly because Hogan was "leathery & alien cat-faced" enough to portray the character.

· Eric Bischoff & Jason Hervey taped a television pilot at The iMPACT Zone for Micro Championship Wrestling, an independent midget wrestling group. Fans were being asked to forgo wrestling apparel and dress as if you were "going out to a club." The tapings reportedly had a $25 cover charge, crappy house music, & cocaine in the bathrooms. Jake "The Snake" Roberts served as a bathroom attendant.

· TNA has come to terms with the release of Knockout Traci Brooks, citing a lack of creative direction (as per Brooks herself). The Canadian beauty's primary gimmick was "a pair of huge boobs that wrestled," although the role was recently transferred over to The Nasty Boys.

· In a major acquisition, TNA has reportedly signed former WWE & ECW Champion Rob Van Dam to some sort of deal. RVD, who has been out of the limelight since 2007, was attracted to TNA's limited road schedule & wellness policy, which consists of a pack of EZ Wider rolling papers, a bottle of Nyquil, & a Bravestarr cartoon coloring book.